Diary

by The Alex Koman

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03:37
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03:46
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03:54
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credits

released November 29, 2019

Click on individual tracks for the credits.

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The Alex Koman Winston Salem, North Carolina

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Track Name: First of All
Ashamed of myself
How I do not compare
Never living up
To my impossible standard

I want to make a living
And find a great success
I want to make my father proud
But it's me I have to impress, ‘cause

Ultimately
It can't come from outside
A man’s sense of pride
A person's confidence

I'm here on my own
And I might not believe
‘Cause I'm blinded by my fear
That I’m not good for me, but

Ultimately
It can't come from outside
A man’s sense of pride
A person's confidence
Whatever is your creed
No matter what kind of god
Be sure to believe in yourself
First of all

All I want is to keep myself calm
But anxiety starts to spiral, and it makes me suicidal
Track Name: Redefining Isolation
Talking to my therapist, who says I’m okay
But guilt from my past keeps me ashamed
We all make mistakes from time to time

Down on myself, keeping the blame
Feeling unworthy like a glutton for pain
The whole church thing didn’t work out for me

But if you don’t find forgiveness within
The doctor says to make peace with yourself
You might just need a new definition

Got my music, got my video games
Got my TV shows and software to code
Not around people a lot of the time
They call me the cat man, but I’m alright
‘Cause I’m changing what it means to be lonely
I’m redefining isolation,
‘Cause this is where my thoughts are stationed
I don’t wander to dark places, ‘cause that’s where I’m alone

Talking to my parents, who understand
My lack of self-esteem makes me feel I’m not a man
They’ve both done stupid things too

I keep beating up the younger me
Deserve to be punished for my bad deeds
The Jesus Christ thing didn’t work out for me

But if I don’t find forgiveness within
I told them to m ake peace with myself
I might just need a new definition

(Repeat Chorus)

I just need a little ray of light
To make me focus on the moment
That is my current life
Track Name: Metronome
You say there’s not enough time to talk
You say there’s not a moment for us to get together
You’re breaking my heart when you walk by me
I know you’re not free, but that doesn’t mean you’re busy

‘Cause for the record, you’ve got a whole sixty seconds
You can count the clicks, or you can make the clicks count
Life is like a metronome, ‘cause you get to set the tempo
You’re a performer, so make your world slow down, down
Make your world slow down, down

You say there’s not a chance to relax
You say there’s not an opportunity to catch up
You’re breaking my heart when you watch me plead
I know you’re sorry, but show me some sympathy
Track Name: Scale
In my head there’s a government
Filled with rules and regulations
Its laws determine my decisions
With very fine precision

Inside my head there’s a tuna fish
I hate seafood, and I kind of think I’m allergic
A part of me I learn to live with
Even though it might mean getting sick

There’s got to be a counterbalance to this mess
A counterweight for extreme states of mind
Doesn’t it call for an attitude adjustment?
You can’t be sorry nor be victimized

Don’t worry about the scale, about the scale

In the recesses is my inner child
Playing on the playground, playing Superman
At once he’s invincible and bulletproof
And then the “kissing girl” chases him away, away

There’s got to be a counterbalance to this mess
A counterweight for extreme states of mind
Doesn’t it call for an attitude adjustment?
You can’t be sorry nor be victimized

Don’t worry about the scale, about the scale, ohh
About the scale, about the scale

There’s got to be a counterbalance to this mess
A counterweight for extreme states of mind
Doesn’t it call for an attitude adjustment?
You can’t be sorry nor be victimized

Don’t worry about the scale, about the scale
Track Name: Love's Forbidden Sorrow
Cavernous rooms filled one hundred percent
Bands of minerals hanging inside of them
Cross sections of geologic time
Time at all for billions of generations

Of lives and I'm taken, breathing humid air
Water filtered in the ground and dripping in these gaps
Underground lakes and reflections below
Of the world from above, a ceiling of suspension

These bonds and chemicals around
Have the sound of my heart beating
Thumping like a drum
I feel like it could echo
In this mile of hollow
It almost feels like a journey
Into love's forbidden sorrow

Orange columns, pink and blue
Underground coral with finger-like shapes
Dangling from the ceiling and coming from below
In a world of constant night, stalagmites and stalactites

(Repeat Chorus)

I almost want to leave with an incredible applause
I'm thinking of my dad and how he's rock solid
Track Name: Not When the Sky Is Too
Uncertain umbrella
You’re searching for a yellow circle clearing
Can you steer me toward the light?

The velocity of the vapors
Is an indication of the wait
Until this occlusion tapers off

Could there be a hopeful sun?

I am blue I am blue
Not when the sky is too
I am blue I am blue
Not when the sky is too

Uncertain umbrella
You’re trudging through the liquid spheres
Can you peer in between despite?

The velocity of the vapors
Is an indication of the wait
Until this occlusion tapers off

Could there be a hopeful sun?

I am blue I am blue
Not when the sky is too
I am blue I am blue
Not when the sky is too

(outro)

I am blue I am blue
Not when the sky is too
I am blue I am blue
Not when the sky is too
Track Name: Son, It Gets Better
This is one of your moods, Dad said
It’s the medicine, and you’ll get through
We’ll fix this, and it won’t be forever
I’ll be home really soon

We’re 3000 miles apart
Is there something we can do?
Your mother and I are worried
I don’t know what I can tell you

But son it gets better
No darkness lasts forever
Take it from me, and all that I’ve seen
In seventy years, I know that things fade
But the colors come back with the weather
Son, it gets better

This is one of your moods, I know
The ups and downs don’t feel so good
I’ve seen you in the hospital rooms
In your worst and in your best state too

Oh, son it gets better
No darkness lasts forever
Take it from me, and all that I’ve seen
In seventy years, I know that things fade
But the colors come back with the weather
Son, it gets better

In other words, change brings turns
It’ll be your turn soon

Oh, son it gets better
No darkness lasts forever
Take it from me, and all that I’ve seen
In seventy years, I know that things fade
But the colors come back with the weather

Oh, son it gets better
Your light shines forever
Take it from me, and all that I’ve seen
In seventy years, I know that things fade
But your colors inside never weather
Son, it gets better

Son, it gets better
Son, it gets better
Son, it gets better...
Track Name: Hammocks in the Dark
Shooting off under
Shooting stars wonder
How it all came to be from

Cocker spaniels to
Pussy willows
To ordinary folks like you and me

B7sus4, B7
You and me
You and me

Stars and planets
Thank goodness for hammocks in the dark, OH
Stars and planets
Thank goodness for hammocks in the dark, OH
Stars and planets
Thank goodness for hammocks in the dark, OH
Stars and planets
Thank goodness for hammocks in the dark, OH

Shooting off under
Shooting stars wonder
How it all came to be from

Blown volcanos to
Canyons and chasms
To organization of all of the atoms inside my body

Stars and planets
Thank goodness for hammocks in the dark, OH
Stars and planets
Thank goodness for hammocks in the dark, OH
Stars and planets
Thank goodness for hammocks in the dark, OH
Stars and planets
Thank goodness for hammocks in the dark, OH
Track Name: Just Right for This Lathe
In a maze of wondrous things
Plants and quickened feet
I am insistent

I'll follow the left wall
Touch my hand along the leaves
I'll move slowly

I'll find you at the end of this
I'm seeing hints and flowering things
My love for you is endless
It's just right for this lathe

In an awesome sea of branches
Cutting through the wood
I am a carpenter

I'll whittle away
And appreciate the textures
Sanding to you

(Repeat Chorus)

I'm going to have a lovely and wild
Incredible time as a child, once again

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